Fake Horoscopes 2/26

Jesse Moon
Kenzo Armstrong

Mar 21- Apr 19
This is your week to find new love, Aries star angels! Don’t be afraid to head over to the Dark World show and mosh with a smelly person wearing a mask. They could be your knight in shining sweat, cutie.

Apr 20- May 20
Not your week, Taurus.  Steer clear of any campus laundry room: a pair of your shorts is certain to go “missing.” Let your ruling planet Venus guide you towards a new “pair” of your own.

May 21- Jun 20
Remember that deadline you missed, sweet Gemini? Kidding! Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it! Hampshire doesn’t have deadlines!

Jun 21-July 22
Tiny Cancer baby! You are way too small to be doing anything this week. Give yourself a break, and ignore your professor’s emails. They will soon forget you exist.

July 23- Aug 22
Don’t worry about missing the Bernie rally on Monday. Everyone thinks you were there.

Aug 23- Sept 22
Feel like Mercury is in retrograde even when it’s not? It’s because you haven’t left your house in a week, Virgo. 

Sept 23 – Oct 22
Your mood might be a little wonky this week, Libra. But trust your intuition, it’s not you, it’s them.

Oct 23- Nov 21
You may find yourself wondering how many times you’ve said “aesthetic” in the past week, Scorpio. Take this as an inspiration for a whole new look. Try dressing like a baby!

Nov 22 – Dec 21
Your grandma’s new boyfriend might want to take you shopping this week, Sagittarius. Take a cue from your ruling planet Jupiter and use him to get a new garter belt!

Dec 22- Jan 19
Try your luck on this tip of the week: every time the lady at the bridge gives you a dirty look, look her dead in the eyes. She’ll put extra mayonnaise on your sandwich!

Jan 20 – Feb 18
This week, doing the dishes may lead to an existential crises. Try not to think about death or how the sun is going to explode no matter what you do or say. Uranus is sending you a message through your dread. Don’t do the dishes!

Feb 19 – Mar 20
You may be considering making a 30mm black and white film of you and your friends smoking cigarettes. However, Neptune urges you to resist this. It will be tacky and boring.

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