Talk Dirty to Me: Everything You Need to Know About the Upcoming Emergency Dish Sanitation Summit

Andrew McDonald

An emergency summit will be held this week to determine the next move forward in the Dish Sanitation Crisis (DSC), which is fast becoming an epidemic in Mod 104. In late 2015, an alliance was formed between six delegates from parts unknown to coordinate the occupation of Mod 104 at Hampshire College. The alliance was marked by the Charter for Obligatory Control of Kitchen Sanitation (COCKS), which, crafted under a socialist framework (as required by Hampshire College), delegated the responsibilities of each signer for the maintenance of the kitchen area. Although the COCKS charter succeeded in establishing an initial tranquility, and relative cooperation on all sides, stipulations concerning responsibility for soiled dishes continues to be contentious.

After the memorable “Moldy Tower” incident of December 2015, in which security officials recovered upwards of six cups and mason jars filled with what was believed to be toxic mold, the COCKs charter was amended. Under the new changes, three delegates were responsible for dish sanitation, instead of the previous two-delegate system. However, since disputes broke out in January about the term length of the obligations prescribed by the new COCKS charter (also known as COCKS 2.0), unrest and protest bubbled up through all sectors of Mod 104. As each of the delegates refused to clean the dishes on the grounds that it undermined their “104 family values,” or that to do so would corrupt the iconic COCKS 2.0 charter, the dishes piled up. It was not until the delegate from room C had to remove a ceiling tile to stack his dirty plate that the alliance was forced to come to the bargaining table together: now the delegates from rooms A, B, C, D, and E will be forced to put aside personal interests to deal with a danger that could rattle 104’s china cabinet to its core.

The emergency summit, which will be hosted in room A, is scheduled to begin on Saturday and last into Sunday morning. Already, delegates appear pessimistic; in a Facebook post, one delegate wrote: “I can’t believe we didn’t catch it sooner, it’s a sad day when your dishes are dirtier than your mind.” Another delegate simply tweeted, “I can’t believe we have this many dishes #damn,” while a third wrote,

“The dirty dish pile in this mod is undeniable—it makes me sick to my fucking stomach, but what’s worse is how ignorant my colleagues have been–frankly I hate all of them. I will make 104 great again, mark my words.”  

Ideologically, the parties are in a gridlock; each denies their own culpability, yet they all agree that something must be done. The summit proceedings are sure to be a rollercoaster, as the COCKS 2.0 charter will undoubtedly be called into question. Regardless of what happens, a colossal power shift is in the makings as special interest groups and residential advisors take notice. Yet again, the allied parties of mod 104 will be compelled, by circumstance, to consult the primal force of willpower, the universal longing for equality, and the inescapable odor of fermented food waste.

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