Content Warning: Death
Mar 21- Apr 19
Feel like you’re scared of getting old this week? Remember, menopause is actually sexy…… and the kiss of the devil will soothe your cold flashes.
Apr 20- May 20
Keep seeing that cutie with the thick legs and acne at the pool? Ask them out on a date and do a cannonball right into their heart fluids!
May 21- Jun 20
Your rich parents aren’t hearing your cries for help this week? Commit a crime! That’s sure to teach ‘em, AND get their attention!
Jun 21-July 22
Your friend with that trust fund you’re jealous of? Though your ruling planet Venus may coerce you to kill them in cold blood, resist the urge. If you can’t—blame it on the planets?
July 23- Aug 22
You’ll meet a hot guy at your great aunt’s funeral this week, but you won’t catch his name… Jupiter suggests you kill your great uncle and hope he comes to that funeral, too!
Aug 23- Sept 22
Love your body this week, Virgo. Buy a new vibrator or butt plug! Remember: people suck but plastic is forever ❤
Sept 23 – Oct 22
If you’re thinking of wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt this week, don’t you dare. Your ruling planet Mercury will stick a penny up your ass.
Oct 23- Nov 21
Something tells me your favorite movie is Ted, Scorpio. Respect. Pound it.
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Dear Sagittarius, your crush actually broke their hand yesterday trying to finger you. Be nice for once and take them to the hospital.
Dec 22- Jan 19
Quit trying to convince your friends that money is a social construct. No one believes you, Capricorn. Trust your ruling planet Uranus to bring you back to reality.
Jan 20 – Feb 18
Having diarrhea most late afternoons and evenings? Try smearing it all over your homework. It’s the perfect excuse if you don’t have a dog!
Feb 19 – Mar 20
That sex dream you had about George W. Bush last night?? You should tell your therapist about that one, Pisces. That may change your relationship in a good way.