Fake Horoscopes 3/25

Kenzo Armstrong

Mar 21- Apr 19
Dearest Aries angel, you need to get a grip. Stop posting nudes on Hampynudes. That is so last year!

Apr 20- May 20
I’m sure you think that thing you did over spring break was really bad ass. Pix or it didn’t happen.

May 21- Jun 20
Has your committee really been getting on your nerves lately, Gemini? That’s ok! They lead very depraved lives anyways, so just think about that.

Jun 21-July 22
All those summer camp girls you have a crush on? They know about your hemorrhoids. Quit hitting them up on Tinder.

July 23-Aug 22
Winning “most hipster” in high school chorus your senior year was not an accomplishment, Leo. Stop talking about it already!

Aug 23- Sep 22
Ever feel like you can’t be an adult person? You don’t have to! Your trust fund will keep you in diapers until you die, Virgo.

Sep 23- Oct 22
Eat ur veggies. It’s good for digestive health 😉 😉 😉

Oct 23- Nov 21
Every exit is an entrance to new experiences. Except your favorite professor’s bunghole. Please don’t go in there.

Nov 22- Dec 21
You are not illiterate, Saggie. Congrats on that one but do ur homework.

Dec 22- Jan 19
Worried about your bowels, Capricorn? Your constipation is a sign from your ruling planet of Jupiter to try squatting on the toilet. Like, squatting with both feet. You know what I’m trying to describe right

Jan 20- Feb 18
That rare bunghole content you’re coming up with lately?? Don’t discourage your creative mind. Let it flow freely, if you catch my…plop.

Feb 19- Mar 20
Swap out your all-black outfit for head-to-toe tattoos. Walk around naked and finally blend in like you’ve always wanted to, Pisces.

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