Announcement Regarding the Bridge and Korn Cafes

Treat Shepardson

As you may have heard, we are excited to be bringing a new vendor on board to manage the bridge and Korn cafes this coming (2016-2017) academic year. The new vendor will be a food service visionary and probably isn’t currently on the board of trustees. The new vendor will, like Christ resurrecting Lazarus, breathe life into our efforts to buy local and be sustainable. In keeping with our tradition of ethical and alternative college management, the new vendor will–fuck it, it’s McDonald’s. Who cares.

We’re not sure when we were going to tell you this. At first we thought we’d just rip the band-aid off really quickly, you know, tell everyone in January and give them lots of time to adjust. But, okay, so hear us out, we made the decision at like 11:30, you know, and writing emails is like, really hard, so then it was already after midnight and anyway I kept putting it off after that. We’ve all done it. March was really hard for me. McDonald’s is the new vendor for the Korn Kafe. Sorry.

Here at Hampshire it is not just a responsibility but a point of pride shared among staff, faculty, and students alike that we support the efforts of students and dining commons workers to create a more equitable and human situation for dining commons workers. I’ve been spending a lot of my time sitting in my car outside the Cole Science Center ripping up a little piece of paper. Getting out of bed is a big effort for me. I don’t care. Who cares. We all die. Nothing matters.

We are also committed to putting forward and maintaining a clear vision for sustainability here at Hampshire. Here’s a vision for you: an endless, featureless, seamless fleet of trucks congesting I-91, forever, each filled to the top with enough pulverized feed-corn and non-human suffering to blanket a small village with grease. Because that’s my vision. That’s what I see when I close my eyes.

Thanks to McDonald’s new “cruel and unusual” style of management, we can also announce that we have brought the total number of employment positions at each cafe down to an incredible five! Current employees are expected to turn on each other like animals and tear each other apart for the positions while I sit in my car and pretend not to see. It’s not too late for someone to help me. Please help me,

signed
The Administration of Hampshire College

Image by Dylan Eli

 

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