With Bon Appetit losing favor at a rate matched only by Marco Rubio, they have had to make some serious revisions to their menu in an attempt to win back support from the 18-22 demographic. The solution, a result of numerous brainstorming and focus meetings, is for Dorito Cheesebombs to be served with every meal.
“They’ll be mandatory,” said a worker who wished to remain anonymous, lest they spoil the surprise. “With the upcoming changes and hints of a mandatory meal plan, it only seemed fair: you have to have the meal plan, but you also have to have the Cheesebombs. They’ll come with the plates.”
“We’re very excited about this,” said another Bon Appetit employee. He introduced himself as ‘the manager’, and when I shook his hand, I could see an “I ❤ Doritos” tattoo on his wrist. When I commented on it, he revealed that under his white coat was a Doritos t-shirt, Doritos patches on his pants, and, he promised me, Doritos underwear, although I declined to verify.
“Doritos pays me ten bucks a day to wear this stuff,” he confided in me. When asked if his sponsorship by Doritos influenced the decision to make them mandatory, he denied any connection.
Students with allergies may apply for a Cheesebomb exemption: requests should be made to Aaron Ferguson at Accessibility Resources.