Fake Horoscopes, 4/8

Aries
Mar 21- Apr 19
Feeling thrown off by winter in April, Aries? Your intuition is to crawl inside of yourself, and your ruling planet of Venus is saying, “Hell yeah! Go deep inside and never come out!!”

Taurus
Apr 20- May 20
Taurus, are you getting tired of bickering about foofaraws? Luckily, the planets have aligned in your favor and will eradicate anyone with a different opinion than you. Thank God For Astrology and Closed-Mindedness.

Gemini
May 21- Jun 20
Are you annoyed by fuckbois, Gemini? Next time you see one stealing sushi from the bridge, tattle! His privileged ass deserves it!

Cancer
Jun 21- Jul 22
Feeling like you were in the womb for a touch too long? Don’t worry, Neptune thinks it’s really sexy to be…over-cooked 😉

Leo
Jul 23- Aug 22
Craving some sake bombs? You deserve it. It’s boys’ night :’)

Virgo
Aug 23- Sep 22
Have people been walking straight through your chocolate milk flavored vape tornado? Fight the ban on cigarettes and go back to old fashioned pipe tobacco! People will run for the damn hills!

Libra
Sep 23- Oct 22
Keep getting caught itching your bootie in public, Libra? The moon tide winds are saying to forget about the haters- feel free to convince everyone that you are a neanderthal.

Scorpio
Oct 23- Nov 21
Have the paparazzi been getting on your nerves since you got that nose job, Scorpio? Eat it up- live for the lime-light! Just don’t let them catch you doing that thing you do with tater tots.

Sagittarius
Nov 22- Dec 21
Feel like you’ve been attracting all the wrong people, Saggie? Reach deep inside yourself, pull out your intestines, and show them what you’re made of. If they can’t handle you at your worst, they certainly can’t deserve you at your best.

Capricorn
Dec 22- Jan 19
Keep thinking about the fragility and futility of life while working out at the gym, Capricorn? Neptune says it’s very normal for you to have existential crises on the treadmill. Keep calm and carry on.

Aquarius
Jan 20- Feb 18
Can’t tell your nightmares apart from real life, Aquarius? That’s because there’s no difference! Seriously though, lay off the bath salts.

Pisces
Feb 19- Mar 20
Do you feel like the Hampshire board of trustees has a personal vendetta against you, Pisces? It’s true! They really are stealing all of your money and damning you to a life inside a pit of inescapable debt and despair.

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