Fake Horoscopes 4/29

Kenzo Armstrong

Aries
Mar 21- Apr 19
Obsessed with hula hooping, lil starflower? I heard dropping acid at Coachella is a MUST. Well worth the expense; start pinching those pennies!

Taurus
Apr 20- May 20
Getting raunchy love letters in the mail from your mom’s ex-boyfriend? Respond with a winky face and say “pic for pic” just to see what happens 😉

Gemini
May 21- Jun 20
Craving a good ass kicking, Gemini? Now is the time to tell the most offensive performance artist at Hampshire College to go fuck themselves in private.

Cancer
Jun 21- Jul 22
Do you like, looove Lil Wayne? Your ruling planet of Uranus wants you to do something exxxtreme to prove your devotion. Share your best lollipop lickin’ dance with Lil Wayne; try not to ‘drop the world’ while you’re at it!

Leo
Jul 23- Aug 22
Feeling like you need to rebel against the Umass Republican Club, Leo? Jupiter gives you the green light; smear peanut butter all over your naked body, burn the American flag and tell their mother about their bad behavior.

Virgo
Aug 23- Sep 22
Have you been love-love-loving the punani, Virgo? Don’t quit, the punani club loves u back. They put ur picture on the wall…. on the do not kiss list.

Libra
Sep 23- Oct 22
It’s time to stop eating organic and to start eating dirt! Take a scoop of cow shit from the farm, add chia seeds and flax and blend for the perfect munchie, you pot smoking hippie!

Scorpio
Oct 23- Nov 21
Remember when you gambled on the unwashed sock that belonged to your crush? Well, they found it in your bed and told me they can’t stop thinking about u  :-j

Sagittarius
Nov 22- Dec 21
Jupiter emanates a friendly reminder to cut the f*cking crap! DJ Lucas will never love you as much as he loves Boston CRÈME donuts.

Capricorn
Dec 22- Jan 19
Having unresolved feelings about your ex-lover, Caprisun? Try having sex with their best friend! Neptune says that should help.

Aquarius
Jan 20- Feb 18
Mars commands you to go commando to your Div III pass meeting. Let your freak flag fly and your floppy lips flap, bitch!

Pisces
Feb 19- Mar 20
If you feel sad about the last issue of the Howler this week, dearest Pisces, feel free to reach out to us over the summer. Our number is 1-800-EATSHIT! jk. call me. lol.

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