Aries freak angels, I know what you’re thinking. For just $99.99 you can buy a new pair of sunglasses that might change the game for good. Just remember- shopping is the #1 way we participate in the government.
Taurus, someone in your life is making you feel underestimated and disrespected this week. If someone calls you old and sickly, set em’ straight! Show them who’s the alpha!
Gemini, the full moon is in Aquarius and you know what that means… time to give your favorite family member a strip tease! If you wear a bag over your head they won’t even know it’s you!
Cancer, has the first week of school got you feelin more depraved than ever? Don’t worry, that’s just what it’s like to go to Hampshire! It won’t pass.
Leo, is your hunger for knowledge making you extra hungry and thirsty?? Hit up the Korn Kafe for a drink from the new $20,000 espresso machine. Keep an eye on the coffee beans- they might just be composted doodoo.
Get your business assets in order, Virgo. Think about all the horny grandpas that won’t be able to get their milk without you!
Libra, honey, sit down. We all want bigger cupholders at cinemark but this is not your fight. Focus on a more attainable goal- like not shitting ur pants when ur crush walks into the room.
Scorpio, with Jupiter entering Libra this week it’s time to set the record straight. Tell your roommate the truth about the dental dam they found under their pillow.
Sagittarius, buy a chia pet and then eat it on the full moon for wealth in the new year.
Capricorn, change your instagram handle to @skinnypenis this week. You will not believe the followers you will accrue and amount of texts you will get from ashamed family members. #itsmeskinnypenis
Aquarius, keep a secret.
Pisces, it’s ur freakin’ time to finesse ur stress and obliterate your freakin’ enemies. On the new moon, take responsibility and set fire to the rain.