Fake Horoscopes 9/23

Aries, download that app to cure your social anxiety. Hold your smartphone in between you and other people to create a cancer-causing force-field.

Taurus, the slimy multisport center is calling out to you this week. The drone of the elliptical will awaken your heart chakra- be open to finding love in a hopeless place.

Gemini, this week will bring big bubbly buns into your life. There you see her *Ms. New Booty is playing in background* twerking that ass.

Cancer, be the kind of queen who goes to Amherst town parking meetings.

Leo, feeling conflict averse but petty as hell today? Report and block your exes Instagram, you’ll feel F*cking fantastic!

Virgo, hide, baby, hide! Now that mercury is out of retrograde, you’ll have nothing to blame for your poor communication skills and lack of conviction. Break out the camo, biotch!

Libra, turn over a new leaf. Become nocturnal, adopt an armadillo, contract leprosy, rewrite the Bible and say HEYO to SATAN for me !!!!!!!

Scorpio, be committed to yourself this week. Let your imagination go free, speak to Hubert Smellingrass, the crust of your dreams!

Sagittarius, ever feel like you’re losing the game of life? Don’t forfeit! Buy everyone out in a last ditch effort to own a yacht!

Capricorn, have you thinking about your Halloween costume? Take inspiration from the little things in life, like cars with Bernie bumper stickers and soggy croutons on a cesar salad.

Aquarius, a blast from your past got you down? Sorry, peanut butter muffin angel cake! They’re probably eating moldy cheese without even noticing. That’s the power of the stars for u.

Pisces, your ruling planet of Saturn is commanding you to stay away from Warped Tour this year. Besides, it’s all been going downhill since that one time your bro-tendo fingered your sister behind the Monster tent.

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