Aries, hey babe! Wash that t-shirt you wore to the Justin Bieber concert in 7th grade, also it no longer fits you and your belly button smell is pretty bad.
Taurus, sh*t, b*tch, u sneaky b**ch!
Gemini, a sudden bout of leprosy will break out amongst your village. You look filthy, take a shower.
Cancer, fill a bathtub with hydrocortisone lotion on a special evening this week. Don’t drink too much of it when you bathe.
Leo, all your friends will leave you for someone with a better haircut. Just get the same haircut and promote yourself as a Justin Bieber look-alike. Followers will flock.
Virgo, each time you pick your nose in front of me, I die. Please do not let my death be in vain. Bring flowers to my booger grave.
Libra, this full moon is your time to break out the big bucks. Invest in your future, buy some stock in anti-venom.
Scorpio, quit telling everyone about your infected nipple rings. You’re scaring my little sister.
Sagittarius, fart it up baby! It’s gon’ be windy this week.
Capricorn, time to integrate work and play. Start playing Dungeons and Dragons with your boss. He might even give you a raise 😉
Aquarius, you will soon find a lot of those little bugs that have been chewing on your basil plants in the dead of night. You know what you need to do.
Pisces, your whole worldview is going to change this week when you decide to eat bananas again. You realize that they’re actually pretty good.