Aries, I love you. Jupiter loves you. Take a moment to love you, too.
Taurus, play eenie meenie miny moe to pick your new committee member. Trust the stars with your fate and remember that your diploma will be the same weird circle that everyone else at this dumb school gets.
Gemini, *your football coach in highschool* “Do you still love Coldplay? Maybe that’s why no one likes you. Now hit the showers, you smell like crotch ass!”
Cancer, do you feel like you’re dreaming a dream in a thought that could dream about a thought that could think of dreaming a dream that could think of dreaming and getting a glimmer of God? Me neither.
Leo, work on u, baby. Why must the care of the self only occur through the search for Truth? Truth is, I have no F*ckin clue, let’s play!
Virgo, Dean Martin wouldn’t want you to be sad about your ex this week. He’d say “cheeer thee f*ck up! Let’s get wastey pants, bitch!”
Libra, maybe wait until after dinner to eat that pint of ice cream this evening. Ur friends would be proud of u for prioritizing ur nutrients.
Scorpio, have you toned down your online dating game in favor of a more organic romantic connection? I’m just asking for a friend. Because she’s trying and it’s not working.
Sagittarius, does your ugly keep showing? Mind your ugly and think good thoughts—please stop being a bitch.
Capricorn, give yourself permission to dawdle, lollygag, and mull around aimlessly. It’s good for the soul and for your big fat feet!
Aquarius, does your friend keep making weird faces at you while you talk? You probably have something in your teeth and you definitely should stop talking about how hot u think their sister is.
Pisces, isn’t it weird that you can’t ever really represent yourself in all your vast incompleteness to anyone? The stars have 0 explanation for this.