Aries, get your ass in gear! It’s time to stop putting off going to the doctor. That oozing sore on your bum needs some attention.
Taurus, flail your arms like there’s no tomorrow to get your crush’s attention this week. Each time you see them, show them you’re a true bingo mamma with the flabby arms that match. Guaranteed to get you laid 10/10.
Gemini, dispel the mystery. Photograph your bunghole like you’ve always want to. Make sure to delete the picture from your ‘Recently Deleted’ photo album in your camera roll. Blessings.
Cancer, light and love will come into your life this week in the form of a fetus. Remove it from its uterine cage and dip it in honey. Enjoy responsibly.
Leo, having trouble being serious lately? That’s ok, laughing in the face of despair and an inevitable fiery death is cool and admirable.
Virgo, the stars can sense the question budding on your lips, “Is letting go the same as giving up?” Don’t give up on life, just gently let go of the firm grip you have on your crotch—it’s distracting in public.
Libra, expel the stick from your ass this week. Realize life is much lighter without it.
Scorpio, it’s ok to be self-deprecating… as long as it’s funny. If you’re not funny about your own self-hate just leave it at the door please. We only deal in laughter and deadpan humor here in sleepy Western Mass.
Sagittarius, that class you’re taking, “Tofu and the Decline of Western Civilization,” is your calling. Never forget that you have a passion for vegetarianism and the demise of the world as we know it.
Capricorn, don’t RSVP to the Kool Aid Drinking party at your friend’s house. Barge through the brick wall unannounced, surprise everyone with your dedication to the theme. Just don’t drink the Kool Aid.
Aquarius, be the type of queen who knows what she’s worth. Quit wasting your time working for the man and start working for the woman! She’s prettier and more objectifiable.
Pisces, everyone knows it was you who destroyed the woods party scene. The entire campus now has a vendetta against you. Wear chain link armor to class.