Fake Horoscopes 10/28

Kenzo Armstrong

Aries, BOO! Have a party at the demolished woods structure tonight! Hopefully Grounds and Facilities aren’t looking for a demolition derby tonight… It might be spookie to encounter men with chainsaws in the dead of night on Hampshire Halloween…

Taurus, uncover the secrets of your past with Hidden Valley ® Ranch Dressing ®. Go For Halloween As a Bottle of Hidden ® Valley Ranch. Show the stars who’s really in charge. With Hidden Valley ®.

Gemini, in case you were wondering… you are too small to be filled with so much hate. It’s bogging u down! Please let go! I love you! Love your pals! Forgive!

Cancer, you could really use a break. Get the Frick out of town! Don’t worry about FOMO on Hampshire Halloween. The stars will compel Justin and Jake to do a special low down hoe down remix dj booth set for you when you get back.

Leo, Eat my gUt s u pervert ass hoel

Virgo, tired of being treated like a punching bag? Like a paper bag- run down, old, bland, with no life??? Try hidden valley ranch in ur pits! Put the ranch in your pits.

Libra move your body ! Dance really crazy! It’ feel s! Good!

Scorpio, MMM smell that sweet buttermilk, salt, onion, garlic. Suddenly, you remember. Hidden Valley Ranch was bought by Clorox for $8 million in 1972. Investigate household cleaning products for possible healing effects on the body.

Sagittarius, you don’t have to suffer! Take a got damn Ibuprofen!

Capricorn, hold onto your britches, because things are about to get zany. You will be blessed with the glorious opportunity to meet your lifelong celebrity crush, Jeffree Star. Tell him he’s a racist misogynistic asshole!

Aquarius, are you queer inside and out?? I love yoU! Sweet ie,

Pisces, get ass tattoo of a bottle of Hidden Valley ® between your hidden valley and your butt cheek! Eric Andre will pay you in Ranch showers until you bleed Red, White and Hidden Valley ® Ranch!

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