Aries, grab ur life by the balls this week. Take back control of your menstrual cycle. Take ur freakin pills i guess.
Taurus, are you in a pitch black depression? Me too. Call someone.
Gemini, your craigslist lover will bless you with a special surprise on the full moon. This may make you want to lose your v card BUT ALWAYS remember: there will be a lot of blood.
Cancer, feeling like you need a community? Please leave a message after the tone and a representative will get back to you in five business days.
Leo, smelly pants syndrome (SPS) is contagious. The stars compel you to give SPS to your next door neighbor whose bones you’ve always wanted to jump.
Virgo, sometimes you should let yourself rest. It’ll feel nice to rest. Try iT! FOr a few times.
Libra, spend a little extra time swiping right on tinder this week. If the stars are truly playing matchmaker like they said they’d be, you’re right on track to finally show someone a magic trick. You’ve been yearning for a good magic trick. If you play your cards right, your swipe-right will want to hold on tight just in time for cuffing season. Gnarly! rock on, dude.
Scorpio, big gifts come in small packages. This week you’ll be expecting a big package, but you’ll get a small one. Don’t worry honey. It’s not about the size of the package it’s about the motion of the ocean.
Sagittarius, the stars know what you’re thinking- Their answer is “Unfortunately, yeah, it’ll be a while before your rash clears up and your bad luck streak ends.”
Capricorn, you can’t buy love at the supermarket. Try harder irl.
Aquarius, beauty queen of only 18 you have some trouble with yourself. Go to therapy you’re too young and beautiful to have trouble.
Pisces, I am scared for you guys. The stars are channelling dark energy to me about you, it’s making me gassy!!!!!!