Fake Horoscopes 11/28

Kenzo Armstrong

Aries freak baby buddies, we are all tired of being called whiny brats. Take to the streets with picket signs to protest the flag protesters who are protesting our protest against the Man.

Taurus, when life gives you turtleboy sports, give life the old silent treatment. Exude peace, positive energy and good vibes. Treat people with kindness! For fuck’s sake!

Gemini, cool it with the crystals, pal. You really bought into the whole crystal healing aura sh*t over thanksgiving break. Time to quit channelling your inner Spencer Pratt! Leave that sh*t at the door.

Cancer, this week the stars are reminding you that we are all born naked and the rest is DRAG. Beat ur mug for the GODS this week. Show them who’s really in CHARGE HERE.

Leo, congrats to you for finally telling ur great aunt to suck it at Thanksgiving dinner last week. She needed to learn about colonialism, small pox, and the plight of the Native Americans while enjoying her mashed potates.

Virgo, time to forget about your college loans and live debt free after college! It’s all about your mindset. Losing your v card might help.

Libra, we all know you’re just a pouty faced ho trynna kiss every professor’s ass to just get an A-. Keep doing u.

Scorpio, aw angel… ur just a lil chode babie :’) don’t push yourself too hard,…. U cutie. butt.

Sagittarius, finally. You’re free. After months and months of being force fed cottage cheese and being trained in the art of Chinese water torture you’ve returned to teach us all a lesson or two.

Capricorn, DECIDE to fall in love. No matter the species, State of consciousness, ideological affiliation, or amount of back acne. Decide to fall. Head over heels.

Aquarius, hello bottom dwellers! If you wanna rise to the top you’re gonna need to get hip to the lingo. Fame- (noun) your ultimate goal and the thingy that motivates ALL of your actions!

Pisces, finding yourself nearly headless… AGAIN??? Sorry babe, pick up the pieces and leave the rest to the stars (and hair and makeup) (*shrug* *hehe*)

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