Aries, the stars are whispering in your ear… really softly. It’s not romantic. It’s something far more complicated… It seems as though you’ve peed on the rug. A small feat for a very small babie bunko.
Taurus, this situation in your life right now is a little creepy. Like, objectively. From over here (few light yrs away) it looks like you’re A LIL stuck in the Trump Dumps. To avoid losing your sense of agency altogether, the stars recommend you become a successful business person.
Gemini, just a slip of the tongue will land you in the hot seat with your Mommy this weekend. Don’t let the oven door hit you on the way out! Mommy wouldn’t want you to get burnt, now would she?
Cancer, #valentinesprotip from the stars. If you would quit ruling out libertarians, it’d be easier to get laid. But on the other neck beard, they almost always have other-neck neck beards. You’re hotter than that. Anyway, plow on, babie!
Libra, hard times call for even harder mike’s hard lemonades. Don’t get carried away, little guy. For the stars will curse you and your family for all eternity with the perpetual swine flu. You will also have crooked teeth and a penchant for interior design. Ugh, Libras these days.
Virgo, peanut butter muffin cake angel bear bunny!!!!! You adorable little freak!!!!! You are done with your stupid Fall semester and you’ve done such a good job in life in general so far! Precious little freaks grow up so fast….. 😥
Leo, How’s your new year’s resolution?? Sure, pumping iron is fun but being apathetic and dispassionate is in style this season! Make sure to pick up some B.O. flavored candles at your local natuuuuurrrrral fooooooddoods shopppppp~~ *static*
Scorpio, ohhhhmmmmmm. It’s the smell of sulfur that draws your star energy forward and down this star cycle. Don’t let it slip! Buy some new tight pants and treat ur booty with the respect it deserves.
Sagittarius, a whole world of new stuff just smacked you right in the face. You’ll be ok. You may like it idk. Own ur inner perv! Actually please do not do that. Keep it hidden.
Capricorn, If you change yourself To impress someone this valentine’s day, at least make sure you become a person with good morals. To be honest it would be kind of better for everyone if you changed a little bit in a good way.. You know in a good, like, moral direction.
Aquarius, paint your nails, do a little dance. Mmmm. Those are good for everyone! THe winter is cold but if your blood is circulating it’s a little bit better and more warm inside ur body.
Pisces, You have just defeated a terrible illness. Think of it as a good thing, of course, but you will miss laying in your bed all day. You will tweet about missing your bed. After…. You will delete Uber. You will then tweet about how you deleted Uber. The gods of twitter will revoke two followers because they prefer an apolitical feed.