Fake Horoscopes for your Real Valentine

By Kenzo Armstrong

Aries, this Valentine’s day, treat yourself to a phat doobie and a fresh can of chilled cola. Don’t do anything else. Also the new episode of the Bachelor is available to stream on Tuesday night 😉 Don’t tell me u forgot….

Taurus, the gods of St. Valentine’s day are actually queer. Maybe it’s time to try something new??? in  honor of the gay valentine’s gods??? And no I am not making this up. You are at college no parents no rules so QUEER THE F*** OUT THIS VALENTINE”S DAY

Gemini, hit on ur girl….  Leave a trail of rose petals leading to a jacuzzi and a heart shaped bed in a hotel room. Don’t kill her…. Offer her a job. Ask her if she wants to do Janitorial work on your TV show. When she says yes… don’t cry. Just wiggle.

Cancer, unfortunately you are SOL (shit outta luck) this valentines day. JIC (just in case) you decide to do something extreme The stars have express mailed a straight jacket to your home. Just lock urself up for safe measure lol (lord omg lockdown).

Leo, finally got the courage to ask that b*tch on a date??? First of all don’t call them a b*tch because they will probably dump u right off the bat. Channel ur inner hype beast and sell her a Supreme hoodie for $100 and say it’s a steal.

Libra, look… you gotta stop interrogating your dates. Most of them don’t remember where they were on the night of February 1st, the night your golden egg went missing. U seem like a weirdo narc and u r not going to get laid with that attitude!!

Virgo, do some budgeting on valentines eve, youve been spending really recklessly who needs 60 cans of sweet young peas!! Buy ur momma some flowers, remind her about that time u popped out of her and it was really fun for the both of u!!! Kinda romantic too. Love u MOM!

Scorpio, buy ur date some chocolates filled with live slugs. You may have to make them yourself but if we’re being honest you have time for that. Call yourself Ⓣⓗⓔ Ⓑⓡⓐⓘⓝ Ⓖⓤⓡⓤ .

Sagittarius, play the flute for your gym shorts slut to show your appreciation for their aesthetic. Build an altar and fill it with gym short sweat, chewed up big league chew, and Umass t shirts and just try not to get all hot and heavy just thinking about them………….

Capricorn, another day another Carly Rae Jepsen wannabe trying to take u out for a loaf of bread. Tell that c*nt to call u MAYBE but don’t answer if she calls. Instead, pretend that you died. Ghost ‘er!

Aquarius, as long as mercury is in retrograde… anything is possible. That’s why u should go To Mercury just to see what it’s like. I hear the aliems are really courageous there and so are you so go.

Pisces, wear the skin of your Valentine out in public. Don’t give it back even when they ask. Make sure to keep applying super glue and lotion throughout the day.



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