Aries, you will be tempted to hire a baby to sort through your bedside table drawer containing your mail, receipts, business cards from creepy old guys you use as crutch paper, notes from middle school lovers, bandaids, shot glasses from the beach, etc. Then u remember that’s where u keep ur glock. Think twice before you allow babies to invade ur privacy.
Taurus, be careful when you put your money where your mouth is. Honestly you do it quite often bc ur ignorant as sh*t, go donate to planned parenthood! And like pay ur bills but do it with class and not SASS.
Gemini, your dreams about LARPing in the grocery store naked and afraid will continue to haunt you. Until you remember it wasn’t a dream. You really did that and now you’re in jail for it because you’re a little delusional and you took way too many hallucinogenic drugs. That was a really weird thing you did and it’s going to be awkward between you and your family now.
Cancer, the Rumors are true. Stevie Nicks will become the new president of Hampshire College. In A Landslide victory, Stevie Nicks Takes the W so that Hampshire College can stop sucking on the L. As the White Witch of Hampshire College, Nicks will implement policy, and carry out decision making practices.
Leo, start a cult for your ‘nice guy’ friends who are tired of being ‘friend zoned.’ Tell them the kool aid tastes good but they can’t have any. Boys like that tend to want what they can’t have. Show them some lonelyboi memes to help them cope before they dutifully drink and dribble the deadly Kool Aid.
Virgo, look, everyone needs to be special. But you weren’t born special so you’re going to have to compensate in some way. That’s why you’ll have to pretend to have interests other than organizing, Beethoven and the color gray. Try something creative! Like wearing mismatched socks ;-P
Libra, quit ur littering, quit ur bitching! To be completely honest with you it’s hard to take you seriously about ur Diiiv on mushroom ec0logy when you complain so much and also you just litter a lot, too. Practice what you preach numb nuts!
Scorpio, have you ever thought about the gendered emotional labor of the exclamation point??? Well don’t think about it too hard… because it will make you sad about sexism and the world in general. INstead why don’t you think about balloons or the cure for cancer.
Sagittarius, tonight is a night for a deep cleansing and meditation. Channel your inner plastic tarp blowing in the wind. Let yourself become a canvas for the forces of nature. AKA do a face mask and watch La La Land (actually MOONLIGHT, excuse us) instead of going to that horrible Prescott party you heard about but weren’t actually invited to because no one from this goddamn school even talks to you anymore!!! (not a subtweet)
Capricorn, in a surprising turn of events, your 6th grade boy scout lover will come back to you as a fully realized man. Your 6th grade boy scout lover will return to you as a 30 yr old eagle scout virgin to terrorize you and your family. He will beg u to take his virginity and read him nursery rhymes as he falls asleep in your bed. He also snores really loud.
Aquarius, are you broke as hell? And fiending for the cashish? Sell an organ or two. You are young! Take advantage of this time while your body parts are still ripe for the plucking. Your lungs are still in good shape since you started vaping. Even better, you could sell your eggs so you can begin spreading your fertile seed. Realize your dreams baby! Make some freaking babies!
Pisces, are you in loke?? (Like-love) If you are, it may be time to suck your significant other up with a straw. In which case, you may need a really big straw or a really tiny significant other. If you have neither… maybe it’s time to tell your lover that you…. loke…. them? Whatever you do don’t lose ur pal! They’re ur buddy and it’s a dog eat dog world out there!