Fake Horoscopes 3/31

Kenzo Armstrong

Aries, don’t go vomming the bed again baby. It’s your month and your time to shine. No one looks that shiny when they’re covered in vommm :-/ Why don’t u try eating tortellini pizza BEFORE drunk and not after ur crunk.

Taurus, why don’t you channel ur existential dread and fear of what the future holds into WRITING some JOB APPLICATIONS. If the thought of working your way towards stability just compounds your anxiety, smoke some freekin weed about it. That DEFINITELY won’t help.

Gemini, do some paranoid style double-takes this week while you’re walking around on campus. Who knows…. Maybe you’ll catch a wind, a whisper, a moment, a whiff, a millimeter, of something you’ve never known before. Or…. Maybe you’ll get fearful glances and phone calls from frightened friends.

Cancer, ur making some real life changes. Everyone’s proud because it’s hard to do but make sure you’re not hurting anyone’s feelings. Ur important duh but sometimes other ppl are important as well. CLASSIC CANCER AM I RITE?

Leo, i see u over there feeling ur fishy fantasy in those jeans baby! That badonkadonk is visible from light-years away, bicch,,,,, workkkkkkkkkk itttt outtttt. Do a dramatic cha cha slide as you exit the room, leave ur peers speechless.

Virgo, u could really use a little imagination in ur life. Lay off the boring stuff my dude and hop on the imagination play station! Available for a limited time in the depths of the Greenwich Good Reads library. Guaranteed to give u at least a little imagination in ur life, if not.. There must be no hope for you…

Libra, a significant presence or absence of cigarettes will be at the forefront of your attention this week. Love em or you hate em, you’ll never not want one when you’re vvasted. Seriously this is not just the stars trying to be relatable. be wise with your cigarette battles.

Scorpio, do you ever feel like the subject line of an email ( “quick question” “(No Subject)” “Important Information Regarding Your Tax Return”)? If the stars were a subject line, they’d be “A Superscription.” Try letting ur emotions out thru subject lines this week, let’s start a radically honest e-mail subject line revolution! Radical!

Sagittarius, resist ur urges to play hot potato with newborn babies. It’s not ok to ask new mothers if you can throw their babies. Babies are friends, not potatoes. For real though the stars are getting really mixed vibes from u, get ur sh*t straight.

Capricorn, I really wish you would lighten up. Lose the apron, the dinky shoes, the smelly hat! Go for a swim, let ur body just…….. Take in the SNOW…… ………………… ………………… ……… ………

Aquarius, ATTN: don’t forget how GD fierce you looked in middle school. Reclaim the old u- bangs, braces, bullies and alllllllll that confusing body hair. LOOOVE the old you but delete ur facebook it’s hard to take u seriously as the person you are with all those remnants of who you once were lying around.  

Pisces, put together an iconic dj set to debut yourself to the world. Live stream ur set on Facebook ™ so that you can finally get noticed and catapulted right to the top of the charts! If you do not do this by 12am sharp on April 13th, a fiery plasticky death awaits you and everyone you hold dear.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: