JLash Opens Up About Retirement Plans

Amy Deyerle-Smith

In the few short weeks since Jonathan Lash announced his slowly approaching retirement, a few burning questions have been on the mind of the student body. How can, and should we even, save American democracy as we once knew it? Is it OK to smoke on the Hadley side of the Big Y Supermarket if you’re under 21? And what will President Lash be up to in his retirement?

Will he pull an Obama and look really good doing shirtless sports? Will he pull a Richard Simmons and disappear, with nobody noticing until a podcast starts investigating? Or will he emulate Brett Favre, oscillating between retirement and new colleges until he makes up his mind?
We at the Howler sat down with our esteemed president to discuss his options.
Howler: [small talk and introductions]

JL: [appropriate response]

Howler: So it’s a bit of a tough job market out there. Hard to get your foot in the door. And time at college isn’t a guarantee anymore.

JL: This is true.

Howler: Seems like a risky time to leave a well-paying job.  

JL: Well, I’m not looking for a new job. I’m going to try and spend time with my family.

Howler: Really?

JL: Really.

Howler: Really.

JL: ….really?

Howler: Really?

JL: There’s one other thing.

Howler: Hmm?

JL: During the 80s, I made a name for myself in a hair band. We were called J Thrash, and had a great following. I’m thinking that it might be time to get a reunion tour going. Everyone’s real nostalgic right now, and while they’re mostly nostalgic for last December, I think we can push it a bit. We’ve got a few hits, “It’s Easy Being Green,” “I welcome your input,” and I know there’s a few good songs left in me.
To know is not enough, President Lash. Go out and show us.

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