Jonathan Lash Will be Replaced by His Brother, the Mysterious Racer X

Treat Shepardson

Hampshire’s search committee has announced a replacement for outgoing president Jonathan Lash. Racer X, or “The Masked Racer,” will step up as the school’s new head administrator. Mar. X was announced as the incoming president Wednesday night after being found to meet the committee’s main stated criteria of being able to skillfully pilot a drag-style racecar through a perilous 20-mile course, riddled with hairpin turns and vertiginous drops, at an incredible speed.

It is a decision not without controversy on our small campus, where the enigmatic Racer X has achieved both fame and notoriety. The masked racer is well-known as one of the fastest and most skillful drivers in the world today, perhaps outpacing even Mr. Lash. The two are best-known as rivals, often making headlines for their climactic photo finishes at major races. But while President Lash is known for his charisma and frequent press appearances, his counterpart is just the opposite. Famous for disappearing immediately after a race, his real identity has never been a matter of public record–even his nom de guerre derives simply from the x-shaped mask that he has never been photographed without.

“I think it’s outrageous,” said Hampshire student Spritle, a young boy with a pet monkey. “Jonathan [Lash] is our president because when he races, people root for him to win. He’s racing for all of us…Trixie, Sparky, the whole crew. You can’t just replace him with another racer, even if he is the only other racer to ever parallel him in terms of raw, unadulterated racing skill.”

“[Racer X] is known as something of a heel to us, I’d say,” said a campus police officer. “He frequently and flagrantly disrespects Hampshire’s 17 mile-per-hour speed limit. We have that speed limit for a reason. It’s an inside joke we came up with over the summer. President Lash respects the speed limit, and whenever he drives past us he rolls down his window and does a hand gesture like we are in a big truck and he wants us to honk our horn. I will miss that about him.”

Though the reactions to the announcement were intense, with twitter lighting up the night of the news, it was overshadowed by Jonathan Lash’s statement, released the next morning.

“Racer X is actually my brother,” wrote president Lash, in a message sent out via webmail, delivered to everyone’s mailbox, and replicated word-for-word in a Breitbart article a few hours later. “His real name is Rex Lash. He is the forgotten eldest son of my parents, Mom and Pop Lash. That is why we are equal in racing skill. I’m sorry to have kept this secret for so long. I did it out of pride, and shame.”

Reception of the statement was largely positive, with most commentators praising Mr. Lash’s dignity in acceding to his strange nemesis, and not prying too deeply into what is essentially a family matter. At press time, attention had turned to the fate of Mr. Lash’s racecar, the fabled Mach Five.

“I will drive the Mach Five,” said Rex Lash, when reached for comment. “It’s the fastest car in the world and I have always coveted it. I see it as my birthright, and now, at long last, I will take my rightful seat in it–and steer this school into the best years it’s ever had.”   

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