Kern Center Toilets Want Your Soul

Amy Deyerle-Smith

We’ve all been there. Sitting in the Kern center, minding our own business, when nature calls. It starts out as a whisper, just on the edge of your consciousness– if you do not obey, it will grow louder until you find yourself headed towards the nearest throne room.

At this point, you’re already lost.

The Kern Center toilets look up at you, while you look down into the endless black abyss. There is surely some part of you that knows caution: who doesn’t take everything out of their pockets? Who doesn’t sit gingerly over the Depths, waiting for their digestive system to do what it does best?

Who hasn’t heard the story of the first year who fell in, and was found in Australia some months later? Who hasn’t heard the story of the students who, post-defecation, spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulders? Everybody, that’s who. And there’s a reason for that. There’s a reason that they want you ignorant.

It’s a lot harder to harvest souls when we’re on the look-out.

But! Some students are probably thinking right now. While the Hampshire administration can be hashtag problematic, surely they wouldn’t condone their students souls being stolen by a toilet!

To them, I say: the poor administrators and professors, in an attempt to show how Green they were, were the first on the toilets.

They’ve been gone for almost a year now.

So Hampshire Students, save yourselves. Use the Kern Center, yes– we spent a lot of money on that, and it’s a pretty nice building. But cover your asses. Shit only in the woods.

You’ve been Warned.

image from New York Times

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