Category Horoscope

Fake Horoscopes for your Real Valentine

By Kenzo Armstrong Aries, this Valentine’s day, treat yourself to a phat doobie and a fresh can of chilled cola. Don’t do anything else. Also the new episode of the Bachelor is available to stream on Tuesday night 😉 Don’t tell me u forgot…. Taurus, the gods of St. Valentine’s day are actually queer. Maybe […]

Fake Horoscopes 2/3

Kenzo Armstrong Aries, the stars are whispering in your ear… really softly. It’s not romantic. It’s something far more complicated… It seems as though you’ve peed on the rug. A small feat for a very small babie bunko. Taurus, this situation in your life right now is a little creepy. Like, objectively. From over here […]

Fake Horoscopes 11/28

Kenzo Armstrong Aries freak baby buddies, we are all tired of being called whiny brats. Take to the streets with picket signs to protest the flag protesters who are protesting our protest against the Man. Taurus, when life gives you turtleboy sports, give life the old silent treatment. Exude peace, positive energy and good vibes. […]

Fake Horoscopes 11/14

Amy Deyerle-Smith Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces: there isn’t even a joke here some stuff is just gonna suck for a while.

Fake Horoscopes 10/28

Kenzo Armstrong Aries, BOO! Have a party at the demolished woods structure tonight! Hopefully Grounds and Facilities aren’t looking for a demolition derby tonight… It might be spookie to encounter men with chainsaws in the dead of night on Hampshire Halloween… Taurus, uncover the secrets of your past with Hidden Valley ® Ranch Dressing ®. […]

Fake Horoscopes 10/21

Kenzo Armstrong Aries, get your ass in gear! It’s time to stop putting off going to the doctor. That oozing sore on your bum needs some attention. Taurus, flail your arms like there’s no tomorrow to get your crush’s attention this week. Each time you see them, show them you’re a true bingo mamma with […]

Fake Horoscopes 9/30

Kenzo Armstrong Aries, hey babe! Wash that t-shirt you wore to the Justin Bieber concert in 7th grade, also it no longer fits you and your belly button smell is pretty bad. Taurus, sh*t, b*tch, u sneaky b**ch! Gemini, a sudden bout of leprosy will break out amongst your village. You look filthy, take a […]

Fake Horoscopes 9/23

Aries, download that app to cure your social anxiety. Hold your smartphone in between you and other people to create a cancer-causing force-field. Taurus, the slimy multisport center is calling out to you this week. The drone of the elliptical will awaken your heart chakra- be open to finding love in a hopeless place. Gemini, […]

Fake Horoscopes 9/16

Aries freak angels, I know what you’re thinking. For just $99.99 you can buy a new pair of sunglasses that might change the game for good. Just remember- shopping is the #1 way we participate in the government. Taurus, someone in your life is making you feel underestimated and disrespected this week. If someone calls […]

Fake Horoscopes 4/29

Kenzo Armstrong Aries Mar 21- Apr 19 Obsessed with hula hooping, lil starflower? I heard dropping acid at Coachella is a MUST. Well worth the expense; start pinching those pennies! Taurus Apr 20- May 20 Getting raunchy love letters in the mail from your mom’s ex-boyfriend? Respond with a winky face and say “pic for […]