Category Humor

Fake Horoscopes for your Real Valentine

By Kenzo Armstrong Aries, this Valentine’s day, treat yourself to a phat doobie and a fresh can of chilled cola. Don’t do anything else. Also the new episode of the Bachelor is available to stream on Tuesday night 😉 Don’t tell me u forgot…. Taurus, the gods of St. Valentine’s day are actually queer. Maybe […]

Anti-Clown Resistance Builds Anti-Clown Bunker

Amy Deyerle-Smith The tweets and news articles warn of “creepy clowns” plaguing America. “Creepy clowns” does not quite cover the horror being experienced as these painted, disturbing costumed humans (???) roam our towns and streets. Merrimack College was on lockdown due to the threat of an “armed clown.” Nothing could be more horrifying—until word went […]

The Cheesebomb Compromise

Amy Deyerle-Smith With Bon Appetit losing favor at a rate matched only by Marco Rubio, they have had to make some serious revisions to their menu in an attempt to win back support from the 18-22 demographic. The solution, a result of numerous brainstorming and focus meetings, is for Dorito Cheesebombs to be served with […]

Student Group Feature: Young Republicans

Amy Deyerle-Smith Are you interested in bringing America back to its individualist roots? Making it great again? Do you believe that free markets mean free people and taxes are the root of all evil? Do you want to watch the lower class pull themselves up by the bootstraps and clap them on the back and […]

Kern Center Renamed to Honor Distinguished Hampshire Band

“Donating the money wasn’t an issue for us. We love Hampshire’s educational philosophy and dream that our kids might go here in the future. Go Blacksheep and Dethrone the Course!” – Jonathan Davis, Korn’s lead bagpiper. Image by Jesse Ditkoff

More Like Zero Taste: An Open Letter to Hampshire College Regarding Its Plans for a “Living Building”.

Adina Fradkov “There be those who say that things and places have souls, and there be those who say they have not; I dare not say, myself, but I will tell of the [goddamn Korn Center]” – H.P. Lovecraft Dear Hampshire College, How DARE you. I’ve read of your plans for a “Living Building”. Zero […]

HSU Seizes Power

Treat Shepardson   AMHERST MA– A potentially dangerous situation is unfolding at Hampshire College, a private liberal arts institution dedicated to the study and bickering about of foofaraws, as the local student union, or “HSU,” has seized the reins of power. The Student Union has redefined its role as “permanent revolutionary army” and promised that […]

Greenwich Doughnuts to be Glazed

Amy Deyerle-Smith Residents of Greenwich will likely see some changes in the upcoming weeks: large groups of workers on the job, and a sweet aroma in the air. Possibly groups of witches looking to make a real estate investment. “We are finally, finally glazing the Greenwich donuts,” said our source in FizzPlant. “It was always […]

Announcement Regarding the Bridge and Korn Cafes

Treat Shepardson As you may have heard, we are excited to be bringing a new vendor on board to manage the bridge and Korn cafes this coming (2016-2017) academic year. The new vendor will be a food service visionary and probably isn’t currently on the board of trustees. The new vendor will, like Christ resurrecting […]

Today Lynn Miller Said

“Get your hands off me, you filthy donuts!” as campus police escorted him 25 feet away from Cole Science Center